bryiarrose: (cuddle)
[personal profile] bryiarrose
it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. i still don't believe it, really. it doesn't matter that i took five pairs of size six jeans into the dressing room and could get all of them on, it doesn't matter that i actually bought jeans in that size or that i wore them for the rest of the night. i've got this mental block that tells me i'm not that skinny. it's years and years of doing everything i could to fight my body, and having none of it work. it's years of listening to doctors, and everyone else, tell me it was either just the way it was, or that it was my own fault. it was waking up some days and not knowing my own body. it was gaining over fifty pounds in about four years. and having nothing--nothing--make a difference. if i needed anything more to convince me that i was right to finally say screw it and go in for a sleep study, it's this. because the only thing that's changed in the past year is being treated for my sleep disorder. sure, other smaller things have too, but not in significant ways--not in any real attempt at losing weight. i watched the first twenty some pounds go last summer and fall, another fifteen or so over the winter, and about another twenty this spring/summer. the dresses i wore to con were my junior and senior homecoming dresses. they don't fit quite the same, but they fit well enough for costume. i'm still losing weight. my body is still figuring things out. i'm still figuring things out. i'm not in shape like i want to be, but i'm finally at a place where i can work at it without it being a hopeless, painful cause. there are still things i don't like, don't recognize about my body. i suspect there may always be, now. but it's one more thing i can work at. learning to love myself in that way again. learning to recognize what i see in the mirror. learning to trust it again. it's a wonder really, seeing change happen. hearing it from friends and near-strangers. hearing it often. i have a hard time being 'proud' of myself for it, because there isn't much i've done. eric, when i told him this, pointed out that what i did to make it happen was get my sleep issues addressed--that that was the biggest hardest thing and to be proud of myself for that, if nothing else. and so i am. it's easy already to take some of it for granted. so i'm going to try not to. i'm going to try and admit what a big deal it is. the fact that most days i wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night. that i have the energy to actually live my life, because i'm not exhausted all the time. that i'm more in control of this than i have been in like seven years. i'm going to (hopefully) watch the last ten pounds or so drop and watch my body settle back into something more familiar. i'm going to go through the closet and get rid of things i can't wear. because they're too big. i'm going to try and retrain my mind. because, damn it. size six is fucking skinny.
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