un-packing

Aug. 5th, 2007 02:31 pm
bryiarrose: (the edge of something)
how does anyone make decisions about the things collected as memories--presents, decoration, keepsakes--when the memories are no longer current?

when they cease being applicable to the current definition of your history, what have they become? certainly no less meaningful, beautiful, strange or sad, but still something that takes up space.

how do you decide.. what stays, what goes, what guilt will let you part with?
bryiarrose: (cuddle)
it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. i still don't believe it really. )
bryiarrose: (wet spring)
sleeping with the window open, spring is insistent.
my head, my heart, need cobwebs swept out as badly as my apartment.
i rode my bike, i fed the cat from my fingers, i loaded the dishwasher and cooked for myself. three loads of laundry and i missed the phone ringing until it was too late to do anything about it. then subtitled spanish and knowing they hadn't spelled out everything being said. thought myself in and out of circles. then back in.
it's strange to me, what place surety holds in my world. which things earn that title.
strange, how changeable my emotions are one heartbeat to the next.
i can't say whether there is too much caution in my movements, or too little, still.
i will be dreaming before i can curl my toes beneath the blankets, searching out something too far for me to reach... my arm's span--or my heart's--seem to fall just short
no matter how i measure. no matter what my dreams.
bryiarrose: (guitargirl)
you know how sometimes you'll buy an album, and for some reason, whatever reason, no reason, it gets set down someplace and left un-listened to?

friday picked a cd out of the stack a couple of weeks ago while he was here, and i realized sheepishly that it still had the plastic on, despite having moved with it twice, if not three times.

tonight i pulled off the cellophane and listened to it, and was reminded of a feeling i get now and then about these sorts of things. that sometimes the reason you haven't listened to an album, is because it just wasn't time yet. whyever this album waited until now to be listened to, it's just what i needed.

cold weather is brenda weiler pushing her boundaries. i hadn't been particularly inspired by anything she'd released since crazy happy, and so that's probably part of why this one wasn't a priority when i picked it up. but this is a different sort of exploration of her sound, and it's just what i needed to hear as i try to pick out where i'm going with my own. (not that i've any idea of where that might be mind you.)

brenda's a musician i can think of in at least a tangential way as a peer, having opened for her so many times, and to hear her manage to do such different things and yet still be so clearly and identifiably herself is a really. good. thing.
something tells me i'll be living with this album for a bit.
bryiarrose: (ugh - wonderfalls - by mixedbatch)
gah. have i mentioned lately how much windows xp bites?

i finally won the battle with the ethernet card, and have tenuous connectivity at home again. tenuous because this thing is the most pc-ish unit i've had to use in years. and it hates me. and it has bad grammar. while attempting to make the intarwebs work, it actually told me: "you already have an internet connection using." instead of throttling it, i went and found my little brother, who thankfully, still has a bit more patience for xp than i do. and spare ethernet cards hanging about.

at any rate. slow annoying internet for the time being. i really kind of wish i had my six year old tower running '98 back. at least it worked and was all cozied up and familiar.

the phone situation continues. new one should be here within a week. ugh. i make no promises regarding phones until then. fingers crossed that third time actually is the charm.

none of my clothes fit me right. this is both a good thing and a bad thing. some things i haven't worn in a year or two fit again, but other things don't fit at all. i'm not buying new stuff when i know my body is still in metamorphosis.

to sum up: i'm still rather missing. bad phone, bad pc, bad social skills. and i still have one large wall and two tiny ones to paint before the cold really sets in. still fighting the battle for legal noise levels post midnight. which means not sleeping when i should and probably not quite enough either. i'm lonely, i feel shitty for not getting back to people i care about, and i'm sick of my allergies. i should really wait a little bit before i buy my new laptop, but i want it now because i'm an internet addict. oh, and did i mention petulant and whiny? because i think those head the list.

the good things though... i love the way my paint choices are turning out. finishing painting will mean that i can finally unpack for reals. i love that i can cook and my dishwasher will worry about the mess. if i didn't have a papercut smack in the middle of my index finger i could put new strings on my guitars. my metabolism is still working itself round to right. i will eventually have a shiny new laptop. if i wasn't so shy and hermitesque... well. i guess that's still a hurdle. i need to work on that jumping thing.

clearly i am a grown-up if only because i had microwaved smores for breakfast more than one day last week. and now, bed.
bryiarrose: (april)
a list of lists, good v. bad, that i've been meaning to type out for quite a few days.

good: most of my stuff is moved in and somewhat unpacked.
bad: there's still more to move, sell, toss, and clean.
good: i have til the end of the month to do the above.

it's been a long long week. )
bryiarrose: (hold the cards by joaninha)
the sleeping seems to be an on again off again thing these days. tiredness, well. i can't explain it.

it doesn't all make sense to me yet... feeling things out, trying to know what comes with which.

i'm restless.

there's this person i'm waiting for. this self i haven't quite met yet. can't she hurry it up?
bryiarrose: (season)
there are dreams in my head tonight of little houses set on hills that turn in to mountains when you're not looking.

and the sky is pink and heavy with the snow that kept me in of doors tonight.

i'm trying to coax myself into reading again--because i know there are answers there someplace--starting with fire and hemlock and now moving on to tam lin. it doesn't help much that i've already been missing northfield something fierce the last couple of weeks, and certain bits of carleton to boot. but it's comforting to read the bits that make me realize in specific what i've been missing, comforting in sharp ways.

those little houses though, behind them there is grey sky flecked with blue, and clouds that leave shadows like i've only seen one place. golden under them, grasses that rattle just enough. the light and dark in such deep and harmonious contrast that all i wanted was to quilt.

and it's too early for a spring icon, but it's what's needed. so.
bryiarrose: (blue rose)
400 bar tonight.

the music washed over me ringing through my sinews
the bass drum beating in the place my heart should be

getting lost in the ceiling tiles
feeling like the kind of moment
when the camera pans out and away
leaving you in the middle of it all.
bryiarrose: (indigo ice)
i'm tired. and i can't sleep. and i'm tired of this.

i lie in bed, feeling too warm, listening to the breathing of boy and the double timed breaths of the cat. they're both sleepy sweet and cuddly and i slow my breath to match, but i don't sleep. in the not-sleep i am full of thoughts and i want them tied down and typed out, but they refuse it. 'not-yet,' their mantra it would seem. i don't know where the beginning is. and rarely can i shake my dreams.

changes

Jan. 15th, 2006 02:02 am
bryiarrose: (imp)
it's been a big weekend full of so many tiny little accomplishments that all add up to momentous change.

wednesday night i came home and found the boy watching one of his movies, tipsy and happily occupied. so i put on the song that had been in my head all day. and then listened to it again. then broke down and put it on repeat. and this amazing thing happened. i started unpacking. i made some headway in the drawing room and listened to the same song twenty-odd times. and it was exactly what i needed.

thursday night i came home and had the boy help me move the couch into a position where i can actually work on getting the re-upholstery started and pushed some stuff around in the living room.
friday i spent the day doing laundry, moving stuff around and generally unpacking the house. hugely unpacking the house. by the time [livejournal.com profile] zennerthanyou got home, it wasn't recognizable as the same place.
today we had a busy, errand-full day. got stuff done, had the best vegan scones in the world (cherry-ginger-mango. yum.) and bought a new bookcase since our big set was finally deemed not-for-this-apartment. he headed out to watch bizarre movies with friends, and i worked on getting the couch into a workable state (and a sit-able state) and moving my books onto the bookshelf.

i don't recognize our apartment. and i love it. it's liveable for the first time since we moved here in september. and that says a lot about what the past few months have been like. i'm hoping this is the start of a lot of change. that i can keep this momentum channeled in one way or another. and that feeling like i actually live here will help me to stop being such a cranky brat.
bryiarrose: (pretty things)
so tonight i went to see girlyman and dar williams at o'shaughnessy with julie and lauri and a good time was had by all. which seems simple enough. except that girlyman is so much more endearing live and ty just slays me (and everyone else if we're counting) and she signed the album 'hey rose--' and now i own both albums instead of just having them and they're both signed. and this song, this song is just.... well. and dar babbled and told stories and was her usual charming adorable socially conscious self and apparently she's had a baby which i did not know. but she played "we learned the sea" and i never thought in a million years that i'd ever hear that live and it broke me just a little in just the way it should. i hated her guitarist who was too loud and seemed like he was bored and trying to amuse himself. but girlyman opened with paul simon's "born at the right time" and this was one of those shows that i belatedly wished i'd sneaked my minidisc into so i'd be able to listen to it again later. oh. and i got one of dar's set lists. so i'll include that list below in case anyone's interested. and then we drove around in the mini trying to go to a closed coffee shop and ended up at spyhouse along with [livejournal.com profile] naoumena who i haven't seen because i never get to the parties i always mean to try to make it to.

but it was a good show. and i know perfectly well that i need to be seeing more live music. but this was a show that helped drive that home again. in large part because of how you could see the stratification of where dar is now and where she had been and where girlyman is now and where they're likely to go.

but i'm almost ready to write again i think. it's kind of like i've been shut away for quite some time figuring out who this current me is and who the next me is going to be and i'm almost there. but the getting there involves the writing and the not being afraid to be scared. and then of course the being me and living that. if that makes any sense. so here's to finding my own wings one of these days.

set list )

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