bryiarrose: (cuddle)
it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. i still don't believe it really. )
bryiarrose: (wet spring)
sleeping with the window open, spring is insistent.
my head, my heart, need cobwebs swept out as badly as my apartment.
i rode my bike, i fed the cat from my fingers, i loaded the dishwasher and cooked for myself. three loads of laundry and i missed the phone ringing until it was too late to do anything about it. then subtitled spanish and knowing they hadn't spelled out everything being said. thought myself in and out of circles. then back in.
it's strange to me, what place surety holds in my world. which things earn that title.
strange, how changeable my emotions are one heartbeat to the next.
i can't say whether there is too much caution in my movements, or too little, still.
i will be dreaming before i can curl my toes beneath the blankets, searching out something too far for me to reach... my arm's span--or my heart's--seem to fall just short
no matter how i measure. no matter what my dreams.
bryiarrose: (red window)

post-seattle musings.  )
bryiarrose: (guitargirl)
you know how sometimes you'll buy an album, and for some reason, whatever reason, no reason, it gets set down someplace and left un-listened to?

friday picked a cd out of the stack a couple of weeks ago while he was here, and i realized sheepishly that it still had the plastic on, despite having moved with it twice, if not three times.

tonight i pulled off the cellophane and listened to it, and was reminded of a feeling i get now and then about these sorts of things. that sometimes the reason you haven't listened to an album, is because it just wasn't time yet. whyever this album waited until now to be listened to, it's just what i needed.

cold weather is brenda weiler pushing her boundaries. i hadn't been particularly inspired by anything she'd released since crazy happy, and so that's probably part of why this one wasn't a priority when i picked it up. but this is a different sort of exploration of her sound, and it's just what i needed to hear as i try to pick out where i'm going with my own. (not that i've any idea of where that might be mind you.)

brenda's a musician i can think of in at least a tangential way as a peer, having opened for her so many times, and to hear her manage to do such different things and yet still be so clearly and identifiably herself is a really. good. thing.
something tells me i'll be living with this album for a bit.
bryiarrose: (ugh - wonderfalls - by mixedbatch)
i've been rather blue in short little bursts tonight.
today in general i suppose.
no real reason why, or no definitive one.
i'm ready for my nose to not be stuffy, i'm ready for it to be friday, i'm ready to calm down, i'm just ready for something that isn't this.
bryiarrose: (ugh - wonderfalls - by mixedbatch)
gah. have i mentioned lately how much windows xp bites?

i finally won the battle with the ethernet card, and have tenuous connectivity at home again. tenuous because this thing is the most pc-ish unit i've had to use in years. and it hates me. and it has bad grammar. while attempting to make the intarwebs work, it actually told me: "you already have an internet connection using." instead of throttling it, i went and found my little brother, who thankfully, still has a bit more patience for xp than i do. and spare ethernet cards hanging about.

at any rate. slow annoying internet for the time being. i really kind of wish i had my six year old tower running '98 back. at least it worked and was all cozied up and familiar.

the phone situation continues. new one should be here within a week. ugh. i make no promises regarding phones until then. fingers crossed that third time actually is the charm.

none of my clothes fit me right. this is both a good thing and a bad thing. some things i haven't worn in a year or two fit again, but other things don't fit at all. i'm not buying new stuff when i know my body is still in metamorphosis.

to sum up: i'm still rather missing. bad phone, bad pc, bad social skills. and i still have one large wall and two tiny ones to paint before the cold really sets in. still fighting the battle for legal noise levels post midnight. which means not sleeping when i should and probably not quite enough either. i'm lonely, i feel shitty for not getting back to people i care about, and i'm sick of my allergies. i should really wait a little bit before i buy my new laptop, but i want it now because i'm an internet addict. oh, and did i mention petulant and whiny? because i think those head the list.

the good things though... i love the way my paint choices are turning out. finishing painting will mean that i can finally unpack for reals. i love that i can cook and my dishwasher will worry about the mess. if i didn't have a papercut smack in the middle of my index finger i could put new strings on my guitars. my metabolism is still working itself round to right. i will eventually have a shiny new laptop. if i wasn't so shy and hermitesque... well. i guess that's still a hurdle. i need to work on that jumping thing.

clearly i am a grown-up if only because i had microwaved smores for breakfast more than one day last week. and now, bed.
bryiarrose: (april)
no more coffee for me at night! seriously. how many lessons do i need to learn this one?

also, the next time lis harvey comes through town, i expect more people to go see her! though having such a small audience made for a stellar concert experience. if you're in chi-town, she'll be there twice in the near future. once at schuba's with girlyman and once at the heartland. go go go. really.
bryiarrose: (april)
a list of lists, good v. bad, that i've been meaning to type out for quite a few days.

good: most of my stuff is moved in and somewhat unpacked.
bad: there's still more to move, sell, toss, and clean.
good: i have til the end of the month to do the above.

it's been a long long week. )
bryiarrose: (scarf)
yesterday i was incredibly lazy. this meant sitting around my living room for a number of hours--before the great ceiling flood i probably would have sat at my desk, but i think i'm still a bit allergic to that room--doing a whole lot of not much. by early evening though, my allergies were not pleased and i don't know why. it could have been the very slightly moldy onion in the kitchen, it could be that i'm still allergic to our living room couches. i really don't know. so in an effort to not be allergic, i'm out of the house, spending time at the house of spies. unfortunately, their interwebs continue to be angry on and off today.

i had a group of women wearing head scarves (is dupatta the word i want?) come over and ask what i'd dyed my hair with. they said they'd been thinking of doing something similar. it made me realize the assumptions i make, at first wondering if they were mocking me, but realizing that bright hair colors would be a) probably easier to hide if necessary and b) not hugely different in reasoning than for me. it's one of those weird things that makes me wonder where the line is for sensitivity, prejudice, and (ick) p.c.-ness. is it 'wrong' of me to even wonder about it? is it just a comfort zone? or is it, in this case, more about how i expect different groups of people to react to how i look, and how comfortable or safe i feel with their reactions.

my tea needs more honey.

i could go off on a tangent about the way i've seen my own comfort level in various situations and public places change over the past couple of years in relation to how i've grown and changed, but it would be long and this is long enough. suffice to say i find it interesting, the places i used to be able to enjoy that i no longer feel comfortable in. not that this is a bad thing most of the time, just that it's interesting.
bryiarrose: (hold the cards by joaninha)
the sleeping seems to be an on again off again thing these days. tiredness, well. i can't explain it.

it doesn't all make sense to me yet... feeling things out, trying to know what comes with which.

i'm restless.

there's this person i'm waiting for. this self i haven't quite met yet. can't she hurry it up?
bryiarrose: (imp)
dear livejournal,

i've been a quiet sort lately, but because i have too much to say rather than too little.

i spent last thursday night and friday hooked up to a passel of wires, sleeping and waking, under video and audio surveillance, more alone than i've been in a very long time. those twenty-four hours or so were exceptionally not fun. granted, aside from having an awful time trying to sleep and wake, i read and watched tv and ate a sandwich. but really i was too shy of everything to do anything that i wanted or ask any questions.

it made me think about what alone really means these days. with technology the way it is, even on days when i don't talk to anyone, there's this. there's the internet, cell phones, text messages, voicemail. not to mention the cat. and to not touch any of that for quite that long was a bit odd. it pulled some threads around in my head that i can't even seem to find again now that i'm back to routine. it kind of makes me wish for a comfortable way to fall into that silence. some place i'd feel safe and enough like myself to think things out--feel things out.

there's more, but i think i need to lay it out piece by piece or it won't make sense to me.

i won't know any results for at least another week or more. feels like eternity when you're as frustrated as i am.
bryiarrose: (Default)
sometimes i slip
sometimes i forget
sometimes i purposefully let things go

but other times i have to wonder what it is i'm doing with my life
and where the past year has gone.

and when it comes down to it, why i'm not doing this: click
bryiarrose: (season)
there are dreams in my head tonight of little houses set on hills that turn in to mountains when you're not looking.

and the sky is pink and heavy with the snow that kept me in of doors tonight.

i'm trying to coax myself into reading again--because i know there are answers there someplace--starting with fire and hemlock and now moving on to tam lin. it doesn't help much that i've already been missing northfield something fierce the last couple of weeks, and certain bits of carleton to boot. but it's comforting to read the bits that make me realize in specific what i've been missing, comforting in sharp ways.

those little houses though, behind them there is grey sky flecked with blue, and clouds that leave shadows like i've only seen one place. golden under them, grasses that rattle just enough. the light and dark in such deep and harmonious contrast that all i wanted was to quilt.

and it's too early for a spring icon, but it's what's needed. so.
bryiarrose: (blue rose)
400 bar tonight.

the music washed over me ringing through my sinews
the bass drum beating in the place my heart should be

getting lost in the ceiling tiles
feeling like the kind of moment
when the camera pans out and away
leaving you in the middle of it all.
bryiarrose: (wires)
somedays, the world just doesn't want to be for you.
bryiarrose: (indigo ice)
sometimes i notice how many ideas i've lost. and sometimes that's particularly hard to take.

it bitterly cold here tonight, not in the sense that four below is the worst it could be, but in how it makes everything tense and hard and horrible. i crawled out of bed because my battery ran out, and the rest of the house is just a bit shivery--we need to seal the windows.

i don't write enough. that seems to be a never ending thing with me. i looked back to the past three decembers tonight, just glanced. and i'm always promising to be better about things. and i'm never sure i am. life is life i suppose.

i'm still not used to being someone that knows things, that has answers. and it's tiring sometimes. most days it seems. and i can't tell if it's really that or only that i caught the cold going around just as i was starting to feel better from everything else. or maybe that we're still not really unpacked and i haven't had a real day to myself in more than three weeks. these things aren't bad, they just are.

and maybe i'll look back on this in a year or two or three and remember how happy i was or how miserable or think how my energy level has changed. or think something i haven't thought to think of yet.

there are always these moments that shape the future. and we never know them when we see them. when they happen. when we live them. hardly ever do we know them once the future's past.

i don't babble enough anymore. i think that's something i need to re-encourage in myself. because how can you be yourself when you don't know who that is.

February 2010

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