bryiarrose: (squarecat)
i've been really absent lately. apologies where they're due. know that it's been necessary, and not to plan.

cut for length and cute photos. )

if you have cats, and use a clay litter that clumps or contains bentonite, please please look into a more natural alternative. at this point, i can only say what a dramatic change i saw when we quit clay litter. and that in the long run, it's not worth taking the risk.
bryiarrose: (cuddle)
it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. i still don't believe it really. )
bryiarrose: (squarecat)
still fending off the plague. woke up after all my alarms again today, only to find bastian feeling sad and guilty about his litterbox mishaps. ended up late to work by a couple of hours due to both these things... somedays the world has made it's own plans for you.

kit is feeling better now it seems, after a while to recoup and some much needed cuddling.

kitkat

i'm still stuffy, and my sleep schedule is out of whack, more difficult to reverse these things these days. my body is so much stricter when it comes to all things sleep. good thing, yes. but trying.

because i finally caught it in a photo: )
bryiarrose: (april)
a list of lists, good v. bad, that i've been meaning to type out for quite a few days.

good: most of my stuff is moved in and somewhat unpacked.
bad: there's still more to move, sell, toss, and clean.
good: i have til the end of the month to do the above.

it's been a long long week. )
bryiarrose: (hold the cards by joaninha)
the sleeping seems to be an on again off again thing these days. tiredness, well. i can't explain it.

it doesn't all make sense to me yet... feeling things out, trying to know what comes with which.

i'm restless.

there's this person i'm waiting for. this self i haven't quite met yet. can't she hurry it up?
bryiarrose: (imp)
dear livejournal,

i've been a quiet sort lately, but because i have too much to say rather than too little.

i spent last thursday night and friday hooked up to a passel of wires, sleeping and waking, under video and audio surveillance, more alone than i've been in a very long time. those twenty-four hours or so were exceptionally not fun. granted, aside from having an awful time trying to sleep and wake, i read and watched tv and ate a sandwich. but really i was too shy of everything to do anything that i wanted or ask any questions.

it made me think about what alone really means these days. with technology the way it is, even on days when i don't talk to anyone, there's this. there's the internet, cell phones, text messages, voicemail. not to mention the cat. and to not touch any of that for quite that long was a bit odd. it pulled some threads around in my head that i can't even seem to find again now that i'm back to routine. it kind of makes me wish for a comfortable way to fall into that silence. some place i'd feel safe and enough like myself to think things out--feel things out.

there's more, but i think i need to lay it out piece by piece or it won't make sense to me.

i won't know any results for at least another week or more. feels like eternity when you're as frustrated as i am.
bryiarrose: (cuddle by sweetkarma)
tomorrow promises to be a bit hectic.
errands, work, and then i go to sleep.
with a bunch of wires attached to me and paste in my hair.
at least from what i can figure out.

i'm a bit nervous. even though i know there's nothing to be nervous about. more likely than not i'll be bored and or exhausted when it comes right down to it.

doubting i'll be able to get near the internets from about 8pm tomorrow until sometime late afternoon or evening-ish on friday, so if you need me, either poke me now or leave a voicemail.

and i'd say wish me luck, except i don't know what kind of luck exactly i'm looking for.
bryiarrose: (cuddle by sweetkarma)
i have an appointment on friday for a sleep consultation. it's just a first introductory appointment, and it's with someone i already know. [livejournal.com profile] borofish's dad, who my dad sees for his sleep apnea. so it should be no big deal.

but getting off the phone friday after i made the appointment, i had this rush of adrenaline and nervousness. because, i suppose, there are two possible outcomes. and i don't know which scares me more.

1) there's something actually wrong with how i sleep. if that's the case it has the potential to explain so much.
2) it could be nothing. and i continue to be screwed up because that's just how i am.

i don't want to put too much hope in the idea of having sleep issues. because even if they determine there's something to it it, it still might not make a difference in my day to day life.

the other bit that i'm sure scares me just a little are the possibilities of how such things get treated. my dad has a breathing machine he gets hooked up to at night. i can't imagine that. or maybe i just can't imagine it in a way that doesn't freak me out a little bit.

regardless, i've been trying to tell people for years that there's something to this. and for the first time i have something to back me up other than the fact that i have a hard time getting up in the morning. even if it is just a stupid watch. i've made 58 posts that i've tagged "sleep," only a couple of which aren't directly related to data or how i've slept. that's a pretty big sleep diary there, one way or another. so i wait and see.
bryiarrose: (indigo ice)
i'm tired. and i can't sleep. and i'm tired of this.

i lie in bed, feeling too warm, listening to the breathing of boy and the double timed breaths of the cat. they're both sleepy sweet and cuddly and i slow my breath to match, but i don't sleep. in the not-sleep i am full of thoughts and i want them tied down and typed out, but they refuse it. 'not-yet,' their mantra it would seem. i don't know where the beginning is. and rarely can i shake my dreams.

*yawn*

Aug. 23rd, 2005 05:05 am
bryiarrose: (lonely brave)
my anxiety has been creeping up on me again. lying in the dark, trying to ignore the ticking of my alarm clocks, trying to breathe in unison with the boy or with the cat, trying to fall asleep, that's when i feel it. there's this anxious ball that shows up right below my breastbone, that i can either identify as something to quash, or something to feed. literally. this is the feeling that (in part) made me gain weight when i went back to school. this is the feeling that led to me freaking out. i don't want that again.

there's so much stress right now though. we move in eight days and i feel like i've hardly packed. my benefits run out at the end of this month and i've had next to no success in either finding a new job or getting hired on full time at the current one. and that, is scary. i mean, honestly, i've started applying to crappy jobs with insurance companies. because when it comes right down to it, my health is more important than being happy at my job. stupid preexisting conditions.

i only ever post about the lousy things these days. i'm sorry for that.
on the plus side, tonight i had sushi that falls into the category of "decent for the suburbs" and one of the best mojitos i have ever had. back to try sleeping again.
(eta: okay, that website is the most amusing thing i've seen in awhile. i had to link it.)

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