so if I fell I would fall right in

this is the eighth year in a row i've posted something to livejournal on my birthday.

it's hard to believe this makes eight years. and, for how far i've come, hard to believe it's only eight.

thirty was huge for me. not in traditional ways, but in ways that have meant more to me than i can fully comprehend. i know i've been talking about this roller coaster ride of mine for months now, but honestly, i suspect i'm still on it. coasting, sure--but there's directed momentum beneath. my world has turned upside down, right side up, inside out, take your pick. i never would have guessed a year ago that this is where i'd be, or that i'd be thankful for it. but it is, and i am.

i'm making promises to myself. i'm prioritizing my priorities. i'm reconnecting, resurrecting, digging in.

i'm learning to appreciate how all the tiny beautiful things pile up to make the big things work out okay.

( i'm ready for a new year.  )

i miss you.

breaking the radio silence, a brief respite for something like tradition.

i've stared down another year, can't say who blinked first, though.

all said and done, i'm thankful for everything--what i've learned, how i've grown and changed, the good things and the hard ones, everything cheesy but truthful i could say here.
i'm not sure if i have regrets, as generally (like resolutions) i don't believe in them. but all the same some things make me sadder than others.
i'm lonely sometimes--i miss you. yes, you. i have wonderful amazing people in my world, and most of them are out of reach. my fault, yes, admittedly so.

the handful that look out for me no matter what, i'm lucky to have.

i look back at the last five years that i've watched this day in in a similar fashion, and am amazed at how things have changed. worlds and worlds away, these eons i've traveled through.

i'm tired. three a.m. is late for me tonight, the way the meds and the sleeping and the working and the world play out. i'm tired, and it shows. in my silliness with words, in the photos, in my face.



but this is twenty-nine. hello world, i've missed you.

this year i took what felt like a million pictures of myself. this year i stood up for myself--i can't count how many times--even when it cost me, even when it helped me. this year i lost. this year i loved. this year i learned. and i am still learning. still finding how to be the best version of myself. functional, but not just. thoughtful, always. creative... well. obviously i've got work to do. hello twenty-nine, let's discuss a few things.

[i don't have birthday plans at the moment. i'd thought vaguely about declaring brunch at seward or else something in the evening post ridiculous sporting events, but i've not decided. let me know if you've opinions or thoughts or otherwise.]

i've been really absent lately. apologies where they're due. know that it's been necessary, and not to plan.

( cut for length and cute photos. )

if you have cats, and use a clay litter that clumps or contains bentonite, please please look into a more natural alternative. at this point, i can only say what a dramatic change i saw when we quit clay litter. and that in the long run, it's not worth taking the risk.

how does anyone make decisions about the things collected as memories--presents, decoration, keepsakes--when the memories are no longer current?

when they cease being applicable to the current definition of your history, what have they become? certainly no less meaningful, beautiful, strange or sad, but still something that takes up space.

how do you decide.. what stays, what goes, what guilt will let you part with?

it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. ( i still don't believe it really. )

holy crap. everything is moved. i'm amazed. that was the fastest that couch has ever gone anywhere. even if it isn't quite in one piece for the moment...

and bartering on craigslist for cleaning? one of the smartest ideas i've had in a long time.

i owe thankyous and favors and perhaps food or something to a number of people who i couldn't have managed without. or at least not and got through it anywhere near as easily.

and.... now i just have to dig my self out of the piles everything seems to have landed in.

cat still wants attention, so if you've some to spare this weekend and want to see my huge mess, lemme know.

avocados still = perfection.

i adore my bike.

derby tonight.

seattle wednesday.

some days you can't help but be happy.

rain can fix so many things for me.