so if I fell I would fall right in

it rained and rained earlier, but the kind of storm that leaves it feeling humid and hard to breathe. as if the clouds stopped mid-tantrum, and hadn't cried themselves out. i'll take what i can get though, where rain's concerned.

i had two days this week where my alarms were useless, a day apart. frustrated beyond belief. i have a hard time pinning down what could possibly pass for reasons, and so i look for patterns instead. i keep hoping that eventually i'll find them.

work has been crazy. literally flying by, hardly realizing what time it is anymore. that's what happens when there's too much work for too few people. i need a promotion, or at the least a raise.

my baby brother turned fifteen today. i don't have the words for how amazed i am. he's still so young, and yet he's growing into someone i really enjoy and respect. i can't say anything better, really.

this week has been an odd mix of challenges. so many emotions. so many words in my head. i can't begin to pin them all down tonight. so many emails i haven't gotten around to returning, those will have to wait a few more hours yet as well. for the moment, i guess i just need to.. document. and maybe i'll end up locking the rest of this down more, maybe i'll chicken out, but for now... it feels important enough to not.

i bought new jeans over my lunch break tonight. i'm back to the point where none of my pants fit again, and decided to go try on stuff off the clearance rack. i ended up buying ones that weren't on clearance, because, well. the ones i got are size six. i haven't bought a pair of jeans that size, my size, off the rack in over five years. ( i still don't believe it really. )

a list of lists, good v. bad, that i've been meaning to type out for quite a few days.

good: most of my stuff is moved in and somewhat unpacked.
bad: there's still more to move, sell, toss, and clean.
good: i have til the end of the month to do the above.

( it's been a long long week. )

dear livejournal,

i've been a quiet sort lately, but because i have too much to say rather than too little.

i spent last thursday night and friday hooked up to a passel of wires, sleeping and waking, under video and audio surveillance, more alone than i've been in a very long time. those twenty-four hours or so were exceptionally not fun. granted, aside from having an awful time trying to sleep and wake, i read and watched tv and ate a sandwich. but really i was too shy of everything to do anything that i wanted or ask any questions.

it made me think about what alone really means these days. with technology the way it is, even on days when i don't talk to anyone, there's this. there's the internet, cell phones, text messages, voicemail. not to mention the cat. and to not touch any of that for quite that long was a bit odd. it pulled some threads around in my head that i can't even seem to find again now that i'm back to routine. it kind of makes me wish for a comfortable way to fall into that silence. some place i'd feel safe and enough like myself to think things out--feel things out.

there's more, but i think i need to lay it out piece by piece or it won't make sense to me.

i won't know any results for at least another week or more. feels like eternity when you're as frustrated as i am.

i have an appointment on friday for a sleep consultation. it's just a first introductory appointment, and it's with someone i already know. borofish's dad, who my dad sees for his sleep apnea. so it should be no big deal.

but getting off the phone friday after i made the appointment, i had this rush of adrenaline and nervousness. because, i suppose, there are two possible outcomes. and i don't know which scares me more.

1) there's something actually wrong with how i sleep. if that's the case it has the potential to explain so much.
2) it could be nothing. and i continue to be screwed up because that's just how i am.

i don't want to put too much hope in the idea of having sleep issues. because even if they determine there's something to it it, it still might not make a difference in my day to day life.

the other bit that i'm sure scares me just a little are the possibilities of how such things get treated. my dad has a breathing machine he gets hooked up to at night. i can't imagine that. or maybe i just can't imagine it in a way that doesn't freak me out a little bit.

regardless, i've been trying to tell people for years that there's something to this. and for the first time i have something to back me up other than the fact that i have a hard time getting up in the morning. even if it is just a stupid watch. i've made 58 posts that i've tagged "sleep," only a couple of which aren't directly related to data or how i've slept. that's a pretty big sleep diary there, one way or another. so i wait and see.