"...i fear i am broken, and won't mend i know..."

[bryiarrose]

dear livejournal,

i've been a quiet sort lately, but because i have too much to say rather than too little.

i spent last thursday night and friday hooked up to a passel of wires, sleeping and waking, under video and audio surveillance, more alone than i've been in a very long time. those twenty-four hours or so were exceptionally not fun. granted, aside from having an awful time trying to sleep and wake, i read and watched tv and ate a sandwich. but really i was too shy of everything to do anything that i wanted or ask any questions.

it made me think about what alone really means these days. with technology the way it is, even on days when i don't talk to anyone, there's this. there's the internet, cell phones, text messages, voicemail. not to mention the cat. and to not touch any of that for quite that long was a bit odd. it pulled some threads around in my head that i can't even seem to find again now that i'm back to routine. it kind of makes me wish for a comfortable way to fall into that silence. some place i'd feel safe and enough like myself to think things out--feel things out.

there's more, but i think i need to lay it out piece by piece or it won't make sense to me.

i won't know any results for at least another week or more. feels like eternity when you're as frustrated as i am.

Comments

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

i think you can only fall into the silence when you don't have to and when you're not trying to convince yourself you want to. it's like one of those words one only gets to approach, never acquire, like grace or mercy or calm.

text message me some day, we'll say cryptic fond things to each other.
i'm survivaljunkie on aim.

[nerdyobsession.livejournal.com]

*pet pet*