bryiarrose | a slow start, but a true one

it's five in the morning and i'm up trying to write my first paper of the term.
my first paper back at carleton. the first paper i've worried about in three years.
really, i'm not all that worried. just annoyed because it's not a terribly good topic to try and write on, especially when sleep deprived and with my mind anywhere but on it.
somebody remind me that waiting to do three classes worth of work until the night before is not such a good idea.
apparently this elusive thing called 'time budgeting' and i still need to be introduced.

in my defense though, the sleep dep is (i think.) well worth it.
there's something kind of surreal to working so many things out in such a short period of time, and this weekend definitely reflects that.
got silly and drunk at brady's birthday Friday and stayed up all night with eric talking and stuff. when he's good, he's so good. overall it's one of the things that makes me happiest lately.

the rest of the weekend is kind of a blur because i spent most of it either asleep or waiting tables.
at least until last night when i came home with every good intention of starting my work and being productive.
then trav called me to go drinking. we've decided that they're going to be very confused when he turns 21, being as he's been drinking there for how long now? but yeah. we went out and got really pretty drunk and then stayed up all night talking.
on those rare occasions that we're able to stop and just be and enjoy eachother, it's great. thankfully, it's starting to be a more frequent occurrence.

scott remains the elusive one. well. not really elusive. i suppose not remembering to call him doesn't make him elusive. it just seems strange that it was easier to mesh our schedules when he was in china. and i know that's not really true either. it's just, well. yeah. sucky. and i don't know what i feel about him right now. and that doesn't help. i realized the other day, in this straggling little train of thought, that my tattoo is almost two years old. which means it's been almost two years since we broke up. which (and this is where i stopped all thought) means it's been almost two years that they've been 'together.' gah. things i didn't want to realize. two years of nightmares. that while they've gotten better, still haven't dissipated entirely.
trav apparently gave eric some lecture when we first got together, he wanted him to know... even though he already knew more than i think travis did... he claims he warned him that anyone i date is always going to be just slightly second to scott. he claims that there's this look i get when i talk about him.
i don't know. i'm just starting to ask the harder questions of myself, just starting to finally stop worrying about how scared i am and honestly let myself care about other people that way again. there's this song i started writing that i'm not sure i've finished yet, but the first few lines:

she holds your heart
he's losing mine
and there's no light to guide my steps
away from everything i've known
into the darkness that's ahead

were written near the end of October. and even then it was starting to be true.

sometimes i wonder about patterns in life. and how karma works in to things. how we end up where we do.
because right here and now, emotionally, feels a little too familiar.

saw alva star (john hermanson's current band) at the cave Thursday. damn good set. especially the second half. good solid stuff.
can't i just have my own pretty boy musician with a voice like his?

i don't want to finish this damn paper. perhaps i'll go to sleep instead and work it out in the morning.
then again, that means i have to find my bed beneath the clean laundry and guitars and homework...

love, like stones skipped across my heart
calm safe waters
but for the ripples that break the surface.
it comes to rest so deep