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bryiarrosei have a pile of horse chestnuts on my desk that i picked up a week or two ago. just when the leaves were starting to fall. there are big tall beautiful chestnut trees to the side of the music & drama center that little red squirrels live in. and walking home from somewhere, passing through that stretch of grass i was as taken by these shiny pretty perfect things as i had been when i first saw them at age eight or so. so i gathered up enough to fill my cupped hands and put them in my pocket. brought them home. with no idea why. and they've sat on my desk since. tonight i picked them up again, only to realize they're all losing their glossy shine, withering just a little. no longer the perfect things they were when they had come fresh out of their casing. and somehow it makes me a little sad. when i was young and had all the time in the world, we used to coat them in clear nail polish. keeping them bright and shining and looking like new. i'm sure that in the bottom of one of the boxes of my stuff that's gone missing, filled with my childhood things and never unpacked after my family's last move just before i started high school, in the bottom i'd bet there are still some of those horse chestnuts. glowing.
there is so much i should be doing. and for some reason it's the hardest thing in the world to make myself. my sleep schedule is all out of whack, despite trying to fix it once or twice. my body is insisting on sleeping when it wants to, and even for how long sometimes. i'm terribly frustrated by it. and frightened. i've never had a fall term at carleton where i took and successfully finished three classes. it's a hard time of year for my body. i'd forgotten. i now see the biggest problem with carleton not letting me come back last fall: i was unprepared for what this one would be like. so here i am, stressing about how behind i've been in cs and the midterm i need to ace, but haven't really begun to study for even though i may have to take it friday. i'm not quite depressed. it's like that, but it's not that. i think there's just a lot of thought and emotion built up inside me that doesn't know how to get out, but does know that classwork is not how it will happen. i desperately hope i can get out of here this weekend. i need to break this cycle.
and i want a new elliott smith album. even though i realize how unlikely it is.
there is so much i should be doing. and for some reason it's the hardest thing in the world to make myself. my sleep schedule is all out of whack, despite trying to fix it once or twice. my body is insisting on sleeping when it wants to, and even for how long sometimes. i'm terribly frustrated by it. and frightened. i've never had a fall term at carleton where i took and successfully finished three classes. it's a hard time of year for my body. i'd forgotten. i now see the biggest problem with carleton not letting me come back last fall: i was unprepared for what this one would be like. so here i am, stressing about how behind i've been in cs and the midterm i need to ace, but haven't really begun to study for even though i may have to take it friday. i'm not quite depressed. it's like that, but it's not that. i think there's just a lot of thought and emotion built up inside me that doesn't know how to get out, but does know that classwork is not how it will happen. i desperately hope i can get out of here this weekend. i need to break this cycle.
and i want a new elliott smith album. even though i realize how unlikely it is.
