bryiarrose | pendulum.

i'm so tired i can barely type. this is what i get for sleeping poorly, getting up way too early, and getting home way later than i should have. plus the knot that's been in my lower back since i woke up is still painfully in existence.

tonight there was no baby cow wandering in the road like there was earlier in the week... but i still wonder how one single calf ending up wandering by itself around two in the morning.

tonight i watched dark city with my family. i'd seen it before, just after it had come out on video in the fall of '98. i really couldn't remember it, aside from it being very dark and very creepy and really pretty good. i had mono or something very like it when i saw it the first time, and the sickness was pretty firmly in my head at that point. i kept wanting to leave during that first viewing of it, but knew if i did it would haunt me more. so i stayed. then i went home and wrote a few lines in the only song i wrote for months--a complete lack of creative energy, with the bit i did have turned elsewhere. tonight i watched it through to see what i could remember of where those lines had come from. it's one of the peculiarities of being a songwriter, that your own words can mean so many different things and change so many times, mean so many times. and i sat there at a couple of key moments, and at the end, trying to analyze my own lyrics and decipher how much of their original intent had come from the film and how much from my own world--where the lines blurred.

and if life is just coincidence
and the choices that we make
then what's the morning
that i so fear,
that i don't want to think
anymore

it's peculiar really, how literally it can fit both film and life.

i sold a guitar today. emotional baggage taking up physical space. it'll be loved and played where it's going, and i wasn't being good about either. but still. it's a piece of my world that i let go out the door. and i have to accept that about myself and about the future.