bryiarrose | to tug at the seas and illumine the earth

rainy and lovely out tonight.
should have gone walking in it. almost did. but i've been unproductive and hermitish all day, and it would have been breaking that wall i've shut myself in with. and i don't know if i'm ready to go there yet. ready to let go and sort out everything that's in my head.
i keep saying how i think i'll continue to be stressed until grades come-- seeing how my remaining here depends on what they are. and that's new for me. i've always been the type that's more concerned with what i've gotten out of a class than the grade i'm given for it. but that aside, because it wasn't the point, i don't know if that's what i'm stressed out about.
i've been sleeping in stretches of about 12 hours at a time, though i can't do that tonight. time to find energy that's more normal and productive, or at least creative.
but there's so much right now that i'm not thinking about.:

this war that i know so little of, except that i mistrust it.
what love i have or want or fear.
irresponsibility, and when am i accountable.
whether he's selfish enough to let this harm us.
all the unknown factors, and how i lack control.

they're all so separate it seems like. but i know they can't be. i know they must be tied together in my head, my heart, those spaces i've stopped watching lately.
i need to sleep. i need to wake up.
i need to find where it is i've wandered off to.