i'm so lonesome i could cry.
Mar. 21st, 2003 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bryiarroseJanuary 16th, 1991:
i started "going" with the boy who, two years later, would turn out to be my first boyfriend.
we went to war with iraq.
in my diary, the boy gets two pages-- the war gets one line.
i wasn't quite twelve, but i wrote a song
(a really not very good twelve-year-old's song)
in protest of the war.
i also wrote a number of songs about the boy.
but i never sang them at a peace vigil at church...
and they never got me in trouble with my vietnam-vet/war-supporting stepfather
when i left them lying around.
march 19th, 2003:
i sleep most of the day, spend time with my computer, miss my boyfriend (# something-ten-or-higher) who's in chicago for spring break.
we go to war with iraq.
in my journal, my ramblings get most of the post-- the war gets one line.
now i'm 24. (when did that happen?) and i still write songs.
but do i write them to protest a war?
i write them about love, about pain, about my daily existence. things this war doesn't feel like.
but i was asked to be part of a concert for peace, and i haven't decided yet.
they want 20-30 minutes of peace themed stuff.
do they realize that even at twelve, i wasn't that girl?
even if i wish i was, and sometimes, true, i do...
even if i wish i was, i don't know enough about the world their peace lives in
to write a song about it, let alone 20-30 minutes.
but at twelve, i didn't either. and i wrote it just the same.
so much has changed. i no longer go to church, or believe i have a step-father. i don't get in trouble for writing songs, and i don't write songs if i don't know what to say.
but war (this war) still gets only one line in my diary.
i'm not following this war. this isn't war to my mind. wars are something people fight because they are passionately committed to a cause. wars aren't this media circus that my friend ernie captured so well in his writings today. war shouldn't be something my "country" can go off to fight while i write a single sentence about it. i don't know, really, how it is i feel about this. just that it seems like one more thing most people in the world don't need right now. perhaps those we're fighting for, this war of 'iraqi freedom'-- perhaps they need it. but i doubt it. i doubt they need it like this.
so here i am, breaking my own pattern. more than one line about the war.
maybe i do have an opinion. i still don't know if it's one i can articulate well enough to share.
and perhaps, like always, i'm just running from the other thoughts in my head.
thinking about this because it's easier than thinking about other things.
all i know is that i'm tired. i wish i could reach any of the ones that could talk me into restful sleep... somehow i don't think that's something i'll find tonight.
i feel strange dreams approaching.
i started "going" with the boy who, two years later, would turn out to be my first boyfriend.
we went to war with iraq.
in my diary, the boy gets two pages-- the war gets one line.
i wasn't quite twelve, but i wrote a song
(a really not very good twelve-year-old's song)
in protest of the war.
i also wrote a number of songs about the boy.
but i never sang them at a peace vigil at church...
and they never got me in trouble with my vietnam-vet/war-supporting stepfather
when i left them lying around.
march 19th, 2003:
i sleep most of the day, spend time with my computer, miss my boyfriend (# something-ten-or-higher) who's in chicago for spring break.
we go to war with iraq.
in my journal, my ramblings get most of the post-- the war gets one line.
now i'm 24. (when did that happen?) and i still write songs.
but do i write them to protest a war?
i write them about love, about pain, about my daily existence. things this war doesn't feel like.
but i was asked to be part of a concert for peace, and i haven't decided yet.
they want 20-30 minutes of peace themed stuff.
do they realize that even at twelve, i wasn't that girl?
even if i wish i was, and sometimes, true, i do...
even if i wish i was, i don't know enough about the world their peace lives in
to write a song about it, let alone 20-30 minutes.
but at twelve, i didn't either. and i wrote it just the same.
so much has changed. i no longer go to church, or believe i have a step-father. i don't get in trouble for writing songs, and i don't write songs if i don't know what to say.
but war (this war) still gets only one line in my diary.
i'm not following this war. this isn't war to my mind. wars are something people fight because they are passionately committed to a cause. wars aren't this media circus that my friend ernie captured so well in his writings today. war shouldn't be something my "country" can go off to fight while i write a single sentence about it. i don't know, really, how it is i feel about this. just that it seems like one more thing most people in the world don't need right now. perhaps those we're fighting for, this war of 'iraqi freedom'-- perhaps they need it. but i doubt it. i doubt they need it like this.
so here i am, breaking my own pattern. more than one line about the war.
maybe i do have an opinion. i still don't know if it's one i can articulate well enough to share.
and perhaps, like always, i'm just running from the other thoughts in my head.
thinking about this because it's easier than thinking about other things.
all i know is that i'm tired. i wish i could reach any of the ones that could talk me into restful sleep... somehow i don't think that's something i'll find tonight.
i feel strange dreams approaching.
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my own comment
Date: 2003-03-20 10:48 pm (UTC)52:3217) 20-MAR-2003 09:35 Ernie ****, The Criminal Little ****
so last night
there was this war on TV
cody was over
and we watched this war on TV
i didn't know what the show was called at first
this war on TV
thankfully tom brokaw told us
"Operation Iraqi Freedom"
so there's this war on TV
and the announce the name
cody and i look at each other
simultaneously we say "Operation Iraqi Freedom???"
what kind of a name is that for a TV show?
i know they can't really call the show "Operation OneSided AssKicking"
"Operation BlackHawkDown" has been taken by a really cool movie
but you'd think they could name the show something better than this
for a brief moment
i feel bad
as cody and i talk shit about the name of this TV show
because it's not a show at all
this is a real war
being fought by real people
who really bleed
who will really die
so there's this war on TV
and for a minute i remember that it's real
but i stop feeling so bad about my reaction
because they've turned this into a really bizarre TV show
there was the moment this morning
or was it last night?
i don't know
there was a war on TV at the time
i don't remember what time that was supposed to be on
let me check the TV Guide
it's in there somewhere
the show with the really bad name
so i'm watching this war on TV
the gf asks me how war has been covered before this one
i think for a minute
and start with this quick rundown of how war coverage changed in the 20th century
after my rundown of all the changes in coverage that have occured
to bring us this war live on TV
on a special edition of dateline, or the today show, or the early show. . .
let me check the TV Guide
so there's this war on TV
and i'm thinking about how a nation at war is supposed to conduct itself
there are those that say there should be sacrifice and sollemnity
looking at the TV i wonder what these things are
war is on my TV
it's a show like any other
but i'd really rather watch "Ed"
i think carol is supposed to tell ed she loves him this week
so there's this war on my TV
and there's really no way to react to this show
other than with some sort of ironic detatchement
that supposedly died on 9.11, but it's back
such a strange show
it's kinda like "The West Wing"
but Pres. Bartlett is cooler looking than Pres. Bush
i didn't like this actor's other movies, anyway
so there's this war on TV
and i hope it gets cancelled soon
it's a bit too much for me
i wonder when "NYPD Blue" is on.
____________________________________________________________________
52:3223) 20-MAR-2003 10:27 Ernie ****, The Criminal Little ****
please feel free to hang on to it or repost it or whatever
just give credit where credit is due
so that the CIA and NSA know who to come looking for
and remember
there are people living this
day by day
moment by moment
with gas masks in their desks
and evac routes in their heads
this piece is for them
my friends who want to stop being brave
and just be normal again
____________________________________________________________________
i would also like to point out, that nbc primetime aired with only two war updates-- which played during the commercials. and that it was the first time (according to my housemate) that they'd shown anything other than news coverage all day. huh. go figure.