oh what a christmas to have the blues

holidays have been tampered with for me. tainted. thanksgiving and christmas the most. and part of me is terribly saddened by that. i didn't ask to have my joy in these holidays taken away, and i'm not quite sure how it happened. well, that's not entirely true. probably, i know exactly why it happened. for what it's worth. but why and how are slightly different. i still love my family, love giving presents and getting them, but i've lost whatever it is that makes me feel the appropriate emotions around them. about them. i don't know. but where they were once celebrations that i looked forward to, felt the way so many do... that whole 'but it's christmas' bit, i don't anymore. i know i tend to think and analyze more around holidays... everyone does that in their own ways. birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, all of them are there to remind us of something and make us stop and think. take stock. appreciate. i do all of that. and i tend not to come out on the positive side. i'm tired of it. but i don't see change on the horizon yet. i wish i did.

other things i wish for: a more regular sleep schedule, more confidence in certain areas of my life, a closer proximity to my family--or a further one (i think either would be easier), the ability to travel when and where i wanted without money as an object, and i wish i had the room for a christmas tree. it's just the start of a list. there are so many other things that could be included. but i think some of those would help regain some of the easy happiness i can't seem to capture anymore. i miss it. because while it's there for some things in life, it isn't there for this.