"...i fear i am broken, and won't mend i know..."

dear livejournal,

i've been a quiet sort lately, but because i have too much to say rather than too little.

i spent last thursday night and friday hooked up to a passel of wires, sleeping and waking, under video and audio surveillance, more alone than i've been in a very long time. those twenty-four hours or so were exceptionally not fun. granted, aside from having an awful time trying to sleep and wake, i read and watched tv and ate a sandwich. but really i was too shy of everything to do anything that i wanted or ask any questions.

it made me think about what alone really means these days. with technology the way it is, even on days when i don't talk to anyone, there's this. there's the internet, cell phones, text messages, voicemail. not to mention the cat. and to not touch any of that for quite that long was a bit odd. it pulled some threads around in my head that i can't even seem to find again now that i'm back to routine. it kind of makes me wish for a comfortable way to fall into that silence. some place i'd feel safe and enough like myself to think things out--feel things out.

there's more, but i think i need to lay it out piece by piece or it won't make sense to me.

i won't know any results for at least another week or more. feels like eternity when you're as frustrated as i am.