i've got the brains, you've got the looks...

[bryiarrose]

amojojo was saying how now that she's back in school she realizes she'd rather be working. notmonochrome questioned that, and in my attempt at replying, i got kind of long winded. so.


i know what miss amo means. at least in my own way. i think it has a lot to do with knowing the differences between the two. while i love what i'm studying, i have no real desire to do the work assigned along with it. there's been a good chunk of this term wherein i've thought being back at work would be preferable. it's not so much the "i'd rather be doing..." as the "i'd rather i didn't have to..." for me. while working in the real world isn't fun in and of itself, it also means very different expectations. sure you have to do things you don't want to, but they're usually part and parcel. and there's a more realistic frame to those things. you can go home at the end of the day, or on the weekends, or sometime and just forget about it. you can at least attempt to let go of those stresses without feeling guilty about it. school doesn't quite let you do that. i'm babbling. and getting off topic. but. i've obviously thought about this a lot. in the end i usually tell myself that i'm doing what i'm doing for a reason, and i'm doing it for myself. no one is (technically) making me at this point. and eventually, i will be out of school again. and i'll be glad of it. at least for awhile. until i get sick of the bills and loan payments and day to day routine, and start missing the intellectual side of it again.
i think there's a knowledge that comes with taking time off, during college or between college and grad school, that isn't entirely good. it teaches you that there are always choices and that you don't always have to choose the harder one. but that's (in part) what school is about. challenging yourself. so am i just saying that working and living in the real world made me lazy? maybe. i got comfortable. it was easier. but only in a way. so again, the reminder: in many ways, this too is easier. and i go on.

that sounds like i know the answers. like there's inspiration there somewhere. there isn't, and this is more than twice as long as the comment i would have posted. i'm swamped with finals, nearly overwhelmed. i don't have answers. but maybe if i pretend i do i'll get through the week. and maybe by the start of next term i'll have found real inspiration again. who knows.

at any rate. amojojo, if you ever want to bitch about school i'll gladly commiserate. i get it, or something like it.

eta: i forgot to commiserate with notmonochrome on the turning 25 bit. granted, i've got two months and change before then, but. it's a big number. yes. and is it scarier to be still in school at that age, or to not be? i don't know. anyhow.

Comments

[amojojo.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is exactly the "I wish I didn't have to...". When I was working, I got the vague sense that students were learning things and leaving me behind, as if they were on a fast moving river and I was stationary. But now I sense other people are earning money, moving ahead in their lives, making friends and having relationships. I feel stuck now, and more than I did while I was working.

You hit the nail on the head when you say we learn that there are choices, and we don't have to pick the hardest one every time. It's something I almost regret finding out.

[bryiarrose.livejournal.com]

It's something I almost regret finding out.

yes. once again, i agree. especially here at carleton where the saying goes: "it'll get done. it has to."
part of me now, always whispers, "but it doesn't have to."
which isn't the point. it does have to get done, but if it doesn't the world isn't going to end.
it's dangerous knowledge.

[notmonochrome.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I'm starting to wonder if I'll always be dissatisfied with what I'm doing. The last year or so of Carleton I was really ready to be done. I attributed that at the time to most of my closest friends having graduated and moved on, but now I'm not so sure. Now I'm working, and I feel like I need to be doing something with my life. I don't want to get comfortable and stay doing what I'm doing for the rest of my life. I guess I just feel like I'm in a holding pattern, but I'm not sure what I should be doing next.

Working is a lot easier than being in school though, I'll give you that. It's a hell of a lot less stressful, too.