"...for all we learned the sea..."

[bryiarrose]

my grandmother is dying.


we're taking turns today, staying with her while her usual live-in aide visits her own family. i'm with her for a few hours, something i'm glad to be able to do.

nana has been sleeping most of the time for a while now. a few weeks ago she started falling more, bruising her face and blacking her eyes with the pressure from her glasses. she hasn't seen well for quite some time, and her hearing aides don't always make a difference anymore. she's been up and down since before christmas, and in the last couple of days she's been refusing food and drink. dad's working on arranging hospice.

today she's asleep. breathing deeply, faster breaths when you hold her hand. i hope the dreams she's in are good ones. mostly she's unresponsive, but she'll squeeze my hand from time to time, and seems to know, in some sense, that we're here. i can't see her coming out of this, at least not far. nor does anyone else from what i can tell. hopefully she'll continue to sleep, eventually go peacefully.

i am sad. she's been the most amazing female role model i've had in my life. if i manage to live my life half as well as she has i'll be pleased and proud. she's ninety-five. she's lived a full life. she's watched her grandchildren grow up, even seen some great-grandchildren. accomplished great things in her time, and made the world a better and more pleasant place for so many. when she's gone she'll be missed.

but. she's also watched her friends and peers pass before her, and she's been lonely for a long time. when her ability to be independent started to wane along with her hearing and vision a few years ago, she talked about wanting to go. she's talked about it on and off since then. she's more than ready for whatever might or might not come next. and i know she'll be happier.

so while i do have tears to shed, i'm not really shocked, or devastated... i'm just glad that i knew her as well as i did and that i'm lucky enough to be able to be with her now. i wish i could do more for her, than just be here.

Comments

[lostbutton.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I know she means so very much to you. I'm a little jealous, as it really makes me wish I had known my dad's mother (who I picture as being a strong independant person, from the little I know of her). I'm sure your Nana is very happy to have family so close to her and feels lucky to have you with her right now as well.

[bohemianish.livejournal.com]

Awww hon. I'm sending blessings for peace and solace your way.

[siwrl.livejournal.com]

I'm both happy and sad to hear this. It sounds like you've been lucky to have her in your life, and that's fantabulous.