i wish i knew

i'm tired.
my dad did his usual thing and now isn't sure and doesn't want to rush into anything and is checking ebay and i don't even know what. all of that is why i was hesitant to believe he was serious in the first place. but then i went and got serious, and he went and did what i knew he would, and now i'm tired. it still sounds like perhaps a computer may come my way at some point, but he also was going to put a new stereo in my car at christmas and i finally went and bought one at the junkyard and switched it myself today. so.
i love him. he's great. he's the best dad. really. but i'm frustrated. he tells me 'you can always buy a computer.' but i can't always buy a computer. even with the financial aid i'm getting right now i'm barely getting rent/bills/food paid for. and by the time i'm done with the rest of college that i'm paying for, i'm going to be more than thirty thousand in debt with a credit rating that's shot to hell.
i'm sorry. i'm bitching. i'm frustrated.
i should clean my room, but i think maybe i'm going to sleep instead.
my loans had better have cleared for spring term so that they can give me my check Friday. otherwise it's going to be interesting trying to pay rent and buy books next week.
wish there was someone here to hug.
it'll be so good to get out on the road and just drive.
drive away from everything.

"its got something to do with love or passion or something"

i just keep watching this spin around in my head.

and what i'm learning is interesting.

i don't know that there are any definite answers.

i'm not sure if there have to be, since the questions at least are being raised.

but i'm still kind of in shock and i don't know how any of this works.

time to drive soon i think.

it's raining, it's dripping

it's raining here. lovely and springish. there are worms out and the grass is thinking about the beginnings of greenness.
yesterday while i was driving on one of the back roads up to the junkyard and then the cities, i couldn't help but wonder at how beautiful even minnesota can be when spring is just around the corner. the sky said spring without question. blue blue blue with long wispy cirrus clouds through it, and the fields beneath dark and light with last years husks, bare trees on the horizon. it all was just so obviously waiting to start growing again, waiting for whatever sign it is.

then i got to the auto salvage place. the man that helped me had a page a day calendar next to his computer. the current day read:
you might be a redneck if... your wife's work uniform has no top.
somehow it was just so right. i was amused at any rate.
now i am about to grab some food, hit the store for just a second, and head out for chicago.
those of you there, i'll see you soon. can't wait. have i mentioned how good it'll be to just drive?