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a year ago today elliott smith died. on tuesday october 21st 2003 i lost one of my important ones.
a year ago tomorrow, i woke up early, just back from a trip to chicago over midterm break, i'd crashed when i got home. i woke up in the sunshine of my little apartment and pulled my laptop into bed with me, and checked my friends page. and was stunned. was disbelieving. searched and searched for more concrete info like everyone else who knew--understood. and in the end there was only what we knew in the beginning. that elliott died from a chest wound, most likely self-inflicted though they've never really known, and we were left to grieve. and remember. and to be thankful that we had him for the time we did.
personally, this was one big push in a long chain of events and emotions that sent me into depression. it wan't why i was depressed, but it was fuel for a kindling fire. this was the first death outside of my family that i really felt. probably felt more than some others. and i can't say that's wrong or cliche. because it's what i felt. what i feel. music is how i make my life, how i live it. and to lose, for the first time, a musician who i turned to for inspiration and support, and well. if you know, you know.
in the past year i've tried to make my peace, find my peace. i covered "say yes" at my first gig following his death, and tried not to cry. with the accidentals "i didn't understand" was arranged and i dueted on the lead vocals. i went through a period in the first month or so where i listened to nothing but elliott. then i couldn't listen to him for months. i went on drugs. i quit the drugs. i changed my life. i dealt with a lot of the anger i have over other things. and finally his music became something i loved again. something that made me happy when it came up in a playlist.
monday night i showed up at cheapo fifteen minutes before closing. was the third person handed a copy of from a basement on the hill. i've spent the last hour with it, being as i haven't had a good chunk of time since then to sit down and give it the undivided attention i felt it deserved. but now i have. it's lush, it's hearbreaking, it's elliott in his constant progression and growth. it's what we were all waiting for before we knew anything had happened. and while it's tempting to want to try and search out meaning in it, reason...reasons...something, it's just as much like his other albums in character--characters--that i don't want to. for as many times as he told interviewers that his songs weren't specifically about his life, well. i'm going to try and respect that. and love the album for what it is. the gift that it is.
so i've gone on. and on. and i'll probably go on more as i live with this album a bit. but it needed said. i needed to say it. and so i have. or at least, i've tried.
a year ago tomorrow, i woke up early, just back from a trip to chicago over midterm break, i'd crashed when i got home. i woke up in the sunshine of my little apartment and pulled my laptop into bed with me, and checked my friends page. and was stunned. was disbelieving. searched and searched for more concrete info like everyone else who knew--understood. and in the end there was only what we knew in the beginning. that elliott died from a chest wound, most likely self-inflicted though they've never really known, and we were left to grieve. and remember. and to be thankful that we had him for the time we did.
personally, this was one big push in a long chain of events and emotions that sent me into depression. it wan't why i was depressed, but it was fuel for a kindling fire. this was the first death outside of my family that i really felt. probably felt more than some others. and i can't say that's wrong or cliche. because it's what i felt. what i feel. music is how i make my life, how i live it. and to lose, for the first time, a musician who i turned to for inspiration and support, and well. if you know, you know.
in the past year i've tried to make my peace, find my peace. i covered "say yes" at my first gig following his death, and tried not to cry. with the accidentals "i didn't understand" was arranged and i dueted on the lead vocals. i went through a period in the first month or so where i listened to nothing but elliott. then i couldn't listen to him for months. i went on drugs. i quit the drugs. i changed my life. i dealt with a lot of the anger i have over other things. and finally his music became something i loved again. something that made me happy when it came up in a playlist.
monday night i showed up at cheapo fifteen minutes before closing. was the third person handed a copy of from a basement on the hill. i've spent the last hour with it, being as i haven't had a good chunk of time since then to sit down and give it the undivided attention i felt it deserved. but now i have. it's lush, it's hearbreaking, it's elliott in his constant progression and growth. it's what we were all waiting for before we knew anything had happened. and while it's tempting to want to try and search out meaning in it, reason...reasons...something, it's just as much like his other albums in character--characters--that i don't want to. for as many times as he told interviewers that his songs weren't specifically about his life, well. i'm going to try and respect that. and love the album for what it is. the gift that it is.
so i've gone on. and on. and i'll probably go on more as i live with this album a bit. but it needed said. i needed to say it. and so i have. or at least, i've tried.
